It is said that ‘water is life’, but what they forgot to tell you is that ‘life is water!’. Yah, I know that sounds a bit like some of those smartass analytical podcasters that cook up random philosophical nonsense. Stuff like: “Don’t love your job. Job your love!”. I’ll tell you: that alone is hands-down the worst advice you could ever give to anybody. The last time I jobbed my love, all I got in return was a heart break! “So, Em, what does ‘jobbing your love’ mean?”. Look, I don’t have time for stupid questions. How am I supposed to know?
Water is life until people start splitting hairs and diplomatic relations; and politicians begin ramming outlandish ideas down each other’s throats over ownership of the seas. In a development that has left lawyers scratching their wigs and locals churning out memes faster than the US prints dollar bills; Uganda and Kenya have plunged into a salty standoff over who gets to claim the Indian Ocean. Just so you know, this isn’t the first aquatic dispute between the two.
To jog your memory a little, that time, around 2008, we almost went into a full-fledged nuclear war with the Kenyans over some tiny, rustic, piece of real estate called Migingo, which’s inconveniently situated on a shared maritime boarder on lake Victoria. Whereas the waters surrounding the island are rich in Nile Perch; so far as I remember, nobody was straightforward about whether the bone of contention was economic or simply territorial.
Anyway, I don’t quite recall how that impasse settled, but as chief mediator in this case, I would’ve resolved that Kenya keeps the shanty island and the water. Uganda keeps all the Nile Perch! “Fishy mediator”, you think. I don’t think so, cos the larger volume of the lake’s water is located on the Ugandan side. Be thankful you’re getting anything at all. Besides, the lake is originally named Nalubaale after some traditional goddess of the waters. Lucky the Ugandans didn’t bewitch you for antagonizing their gods and ancestors.
That said, I’m rather impressed that the quality of the Uganda-Kenya cold wars has at least progressed from jostling over that one square-foot island, to quarreling about a 70-million-square-kilometer ocean. That’s some serious upgrade, if you asked me. And now that there are two moons, I’m confident we’ll have better fights ahead; like who does the moon belong to. We’ll perhaps even have our own cheap version of a lunar race!
Obviously, the latest episode of the Indian Ocean drama-series began a few weeks back after President Museveni remarked that his country was being locked out of what rightfully belonged. He likened landlocked Uganda to a tenant on the top floor of an apartment block, who’s having restricted access to the compound below, yet Kenya, the tenant on the ground floor, is unrestricted. Somebody please tell me I’m not the only one hearing those weird “from the river to the sea, Uganda will be free” chants!
Meanwhile, the Indians, whom the ocean is named after, are quietly looking on, wobbling their heads and whipping up ideas on how to sneakily retail the ocean to the highest bidder. They’ll soon start to privately court both countries to discuss figures. “Brother, this is original ocean. Not fake! You can touch and see!” India pitches to Uganda. “And I sell to you at a good price! I give 5% discount cos you’re my friend. How much you’re giving?” India asks.
From the onset, Uganda realizes the stated price is already a rip off. So, Uganda acts like they’re no longer interested in the whole deal and starts to slowly walk away [keyword: slowly!]. Suddenly, India calls us back and says, “Okay brother, you pay!”
While the Kenyans will hope to undercut Uganda with a juicier offer to the Indians, a bunch of random Somali pirates on skiffs somewhere off the East African coast are following developments closely and laughing their butts off at us. They’re looking forward to hiking the ransom fees per hijacked shipping vessel to a couple of extra million dollars, just to remind y’all how the Indian Ocean belongs to them and their forefathers—the Pirates of the Caribbean!
On a serious note, though, I’ve thought of a few absolutely genius ways to resolve this Indian ocean situation amicably. First and foremost, the Kenyans have inhabited the ocean-front for a while now—like since the beginning of time! I say we switch places until the end of time, which’s not even far off cos Jesus is returning soon. Worst case scenario, we should have some sort of timeshare agreement where the ocean belongs to the Kenyans from Monday at noon to Thursday, 11:59pm. Then Uganda takes over from Friday to Monday.
Also, Uganda could construct a massive trench to rival the 1,700km-long Grand Canal of China. It would run from Kampala to the Busia border, through Kenya, and all the way to Mombasa; and we would flood it with water from the Indian ocean. Better still, we could construct similar trenches in all directions. That way, we also have access to the South Atlantic Ocean on the west coast. Nah, the Congolese won’t give us a hard time: we’ll simply buy them some bright-colored cloths, fancy footwear, and a plenteous assortment of bleaching creams, and they’ll let us through. Then we’ll head northward to the Mediterranean Sea as well.
If that’s too much, there’s the option of executing what I call the Madagascar Drift. We’ll simply excavate along the border line and keep going down towards the earth’s centre until Kenya is eventually dislodged from the mainland, and then we’ll hire a couple of tugboats to drag them out into the ocean. How’s that for a win-win: we have an ocean-front, and the Kenyans are pretty much an island fully surrounded by the Indian Ocean—and Somali pirates!
I’ve got other super-brilliant ideas, but I’ll hold onto those until y’all start to show some appreciation for my wisdom. I shall not cast my pearls before swine!
Overall, forget that we’ve got our own sea in downtown Kampala whenever there’s a downpour; this time, no matter what, we’re getting our slice of the Indian Ocean. If it means joint custody, so be it. And from the look on Museveni’s face, the resolve to make this ambition a reality will not be watered down, even if it takes 40 years! Dang!!—not another forty, please!
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Uganda doesnt deserve you, Presidential advisor 😃
😆They usually ignore my advice, though! But one day I’ll become famous & they’ll have to reach me through my PA.