In a quest to join the league of strange planets like Mars, Saturn and Uranus—that have multiple moons—our very own Earth went out on a cosmic hunting spree and dragged in some squatter from the neighborhood, that scientists have dubbed 2025 PN7. I know you probably didn’t receive the memo, but we recently acquired a second moon. And just because you haven’t spotted it doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Anyway, I guess it could pass for a back-up moon, for that time when the original one develops some technical issues and fails to illuminate the night sky. Whatever the case, though, the whole idea of two moons is just bad news.
There’s really countless reasons as to why 2025 PN7 should get out of here and leave us alone. First of all, having two moons is like inviting your ex to crash in your guest room while your main person is in the room next door. Are you mad? That whole set up is just awkward, disruptive, bound to end in mayhem; it’s basically the sort of stuff that sparks a World War III. Forget Gaza or that Russia-Ukraine conflict!
Think about the tides, for instance. Our good-old original moon already yanks the lakes and seas around causing high tides, low tides, and the occasional flooded basement at your fancy lakeside house. Now, with a second moon throwing its gravitational weight around, it’s difficult to imagine how much chaos a double pull would inflict. Beaches will become battlegrounds: one minute you’re there sunbathing, the next you’re swept out to sea by some rogue super-tide.
Then there’s the mother of all horrors—the werewolf epidemic! Remember in the movies when the full moon turned humans into blood-thirsty hairy howling beasts? Well, with two moons, full moon phases could double up or even overlap, and we would have hordes of werewolves roaming the suburbs all-year round. Imagine your ill-mannered neighbor in their innate weirdness transforming into a wolf twice a month and terrorizing the neighborhood. But, hey, I think at some point after you’ve received your fair share of terror, you’d eventually become a werewolf too. There comes your opportunity to take sweet revenge! Hollywood would finally have a reason to add the ‘Based on a true story’ tag to their horror movie sequel titles.
However, the werewolf situation is not even the worst part. Romance takes a hit too. For centuries, lovers have gazed at the moon, whispering sweet nothings under its glow. Now, which one do you choose? The big, reliable one or the scrappy newcomer? Knowing how extremely particular women are with anything romance related, dates will descend into arguments for sure: “Babe, I meant the real moon! Not PN7!”. Proposals under the stars will require disclaimers.
Tell you what: poets and songwriters are gonna fall into some serious crisis. See, now George Benson has to rewrite his Kisses in the Moonlight jam—cos, henceforth, we have no clue which moon he’s referring to. And, yes, 2Baba will have to clarify on that line in African Queen, where he says, “I know you are just brighter than the moon.” Generally, moving forward, they all have to specify: original moon or newcomer. Also, Monica is gonna have to do something about: “I will cross the ocean for you, I will go and bring you the moon!”
Meanwhile, astrologers will need to re-calibrate the Zodiac configuration. With two moons in place, the lunar cycles are already confused. This sort of gives the sense that we’re about to encounter some crazy temperament and personality issues, cos according to astrologers, the moon’s positioning during your birth determines your emotional nature. I’m also thinking the Horoscopes column in the local newspaper has finally come to the end of its life.
On a more practical note, space exploration just got complicated. It’s 56 years since humans first set foot on the old-moon. Yet here we are, half a century later, and NASA is still dealing with a ton of conspiracies floating around about whether the moon landing actually happened. Alas!–here comes another moon demanding attention! Conspiracy theorists will probably claim it’s an alien base, and that the creatures have come to secretly do reconnaissance on our civilization, which they’ll soon take over.
2025 PN7 isn’t a gift; it’s a curse disguised as cosmic company. Honestly, we’ve managed quite well with one moon for ages. This intruder has got to go away before it ruins everything from music to poetry, to romance. If you think otherwise, then remember to make a cash deposit on that canoe, for when the tide spontaneously rises. Oh, and stock up on some werewolf repellent as well!
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