In a perfect world, Uganda deserved to win the CHAN 2024. The world doesn’t have the slightest clue what crap Ugandans have had to endure for the past forty years! That, in itself, warrants some kind of recognition or prize: a Medal of Valor or something. Unfortunately, we don’t live in a perfect world. That’s why the marabou stork perching on a tree-top across the street will most likely enjoy a better quality Wi-Fi signal than you who’s chilling at a high-end restaurant.
The African Nations Championship (CHAN), which kicked off a few weeks ago, has been co-hosted by Uganda, Kenya and Tanzania. Not to be confused with the Africa Cup of Nations (AFCON), the CHAN is sort of like the starter and AFCON is the main course. Except the main course is served about two years later. That would obviously be a crime against humanity if it happened at a restaurant!
The key distinguishing characteristic is that the CHAN participants are locally-groomed talent. Anyway, that doesn’t even matter anymore, cos the hosts all got booted, proudly sponsored by uninspiring locally-groomed talent! Nonetheless, special thanks to TotalEnergies for doing their best to power up the teams, even though many of them ran out of oil and gas before reaching the pitch.
For Uganda, the pressure began to reach fever pitch slightly over a week ago as the face-offs would determine who advances to the next level. The USD3.5 million prize money wasn’t doing much to relieve the pressure. The stakes are extremely high at the Monday 18th August match-up between the Uganda Cranes and South Africa’s Bafana Bafana in Group-C. It’s a do or die clash. Uganda is leading the group and needs only a draw to progress to the next stage, which would make for a historic quarterfinal appearance.
Third-placed South Africa need a win to guarantee a quarterfinal slot. They’re pulling all the stops cos, hey, they didn’t fly all the way to Kampala to play games—sort of! However, the Ugandans aren’t handing out any favors: they don’t care if the host stadium is named after their rivals’ old man. In the end, in the most controversially dramatic fashion, the Uganda Cranes go on to flip a 3-1 impending loss to snatch a late 3-3 draw, special thanks to VAR; effectively checking Bafana Bafana in to the next South African Airways flight en route to Jo’burg.
The streets of Kampala explode into euphoric celebration, you would’ve thought we’re marking the arrival of a new Head of State, finally, after what seemed like an eternity of waiting with bated breath! The (old) President even threatens to declare a public holiday—oh, well, that threat was nothing more than a gust of the usual hot air!
That exhilarating evening finds me at the barbershop. Such an awesome miracle that amidst the excitement, my barber remained professional and didn’t end up trimming off my neck rather than my hair. But the unexpected knockout leaves a bitter taste in the mouths of the South Africans. Not only does it spark a social media meme war between the two countries, but a bunch of South Africans also promise to whip up some concentrated Nigerian-inspired voodoo cocktail just to teach the Ugandans a lesson. Alas!–Uganda’s celebration turns out to be as short-lived as a lake fly.
Say what you may, but Uganda willingly laid its life down to Senegal over the weekend to stand in solidarity with co-hosts, Kenya and Tanzania, who had also recently been sent packing. This virtuous act of martyrdom was Uganda’s way of demonstrating the unbreakable spirit of the East African Community (EAC). After all, losing together is better than winning alone. Besides, nothing screams ‘unity’ quite like sharing in your neighbors’ undignified ass-whooping!
The silver lining on the Uganda Cranes’ dark cloud of defeat is that since our exit, peak-hour traffic jam has eased quicker than the pain of a stubbed toe. Previously, the sheer volume of football fans bottle-necking the suburbs neighboring the Mandela Stadium on match days felt like the wildebeest migration in the Serengeti. That’s not to mention the gridlocks which would’ve made driving in Manila seem like a relaxing countryside cruise.
In a region often divided by politics and borders, the CHAN 2024 has proven that nothing unites like a good, old-fashioned sporting disaster. As we raise our glasses to our teams’ flawlessly shabby skills, the EAC stands stronger, bonded by the universal language of triumphant defeat. Here’s to writing history—and we look forward to repeating it when we host the AFCON 2027. See you then!
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Love this. Twists, drama and play with words.
😄Thanks for reading!