It’s been a while since I’ve driven through the central business district of Kampala. Besides the fact that I don’t really have much business there, save for the occasional errands; I also try as much as possible to avoid the chaotic mayhem of the city, which is already a headache as it is. However, Friday afternoon I dared to go through town to get a taste of the latest dose of insane road safety prescriptions.
In a bold leap towards making Uganda one of the safest and perhaps the slowest countries this side of the hemisphere, sweeping changes have been introduced to address the spike in road fatalities, most of which are attributed to speeding. The changes come against the backdrop of the recent demise, in a freak accident, of prominent businessman, Rajiv Ruparelia. The new rules rolled out faster than Rajiv’s Nissan-GTR ploughed into the concrete barricades that had been conveniently placed right in the middle of the expressway. It’s difficult to know, though, whether the harsh regulations are intended for our safety, or to punch more holes in our pockets, or both!
Imagine cruising along Acacia Avenue only to discover you’re being outpaced by a pedestrian on the sidewalk. Or driving somewhere on Kampala Road and there’s a stray cow casually walking faster than your car is moving. The new 30kph limit in the urban areas ensures that you get to experience what your senile years will be like—granny in the driver’s seat!
You think that’s bad enough? It’s actually much worse! Since your foot has got a mind of its own and will sometimes push on the gas pedal instead of the brakes, maintaining a steady 30kph is virtually impossible without accidentally shooting into the 31kph-plus range. To save you a whole load of trouble, the 30kph prescription effectively means that your maximum speed should be somewhere around 25kph so that you have some leverage to work with! That said, even your vehicle’s cruise control feature will not function at speeds less than 40kph.
As it stands, walking to your destination might be the most logical alternative to driving, cos even the Martyrs’ Day pilgrims trekking from out of town arrived at the shrine before you, in your automobile, got to wherever you were going.
As for the speed-junkie Subaru drivers, the Sunday afternoon thrill ride on the Northern Bypass is now a relic from the past. Your speed has been capped at 50 kph. On the other hand, heavy goods trucks will be crawling at 40kph, just to give the perishable goods ample time to expire during transit.
Speeding and reckless driving are said to account for close to 45% of road deaths, with 86% of fatalities involving pedestrians, cyclists, and passengers. According to the authorities, the regulations aim to protect these vulnerable groups, especially in high-risk urban zones.
Speaking of which, your pockets don’t get any more vulnerable than this. Cos, now, exceed the speed limit by anywhere between 1kph to 30kph, and you’ll be smacked in the face with a UGX 200,000 ticket. Shoot by more than 30kph, and you’ll be coughing a cool UGX 600,000. That’s someone’s monthly pay right there! Oh, and while you’re still grieving, remember to clear that ticket within 72 hours rather than 28 days, or you’ll be incurring a 50% surcharge.
That sounds to me like: if you’ve got a heavy foot, you better have an equally heavy wallet. And unlike before, where you dealt directly with a sunbaked traffic officer who hadn’t had a sensible meal the entire day, you’ll no longer be able to haggle or negotiate your way out of a speeding ticket with the promise of lunch for him. You’ll henceforth be dealing with the Intelligent Transport Monitoring System (ITMS) and its multitude of hawk-eyed cameras.
Aren’t we all hoping they’ll install some sign posts, like in developed countries, alerting drivers about a speed camera at the next bend? Nah! That’s never gonna happen, cos the plan has always been to catch you. Count your lucky stars if you ever go a week without getting trapped.
So, anyway, forgot to slow down near that obscure roadside market? That’s a fine. Exceeding the limit during a rain storm cos you thought no traffic officers are deployed? Another fine! You merely thought about running the red light? That’s a fine! At the end of the month, your entire pay check is blown on clearing fines, even your mortgage agent won’t be able to grasp how totally misplaced your priorities are.
For now, forget about proper road infrastructure—or the lack of it. If the potholes didn’t slow you down already, the sheer size of the traffic infraction tickets definitely will. Personally, I’m not driving through town anymore cos I can’t deal with this level of slowness. I’d rather hitch a ride on the back of a tortoise; after all, the tortoise once reached his destination before the hare! And just like that, the expression “there’s no rush in Africa” finally got justified!
Related story: The Expressway To The Afterlife.
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They paused it for a minute. They are about to call you for a masterclass on what they will do to you incase you disobey.
Will wait for that call.