The silver lining on the Uganda Cranes’ dark cloud of defeat is that since our exit, peak-hour traffic jam has eased quicker than the pain of a stubbed toe. Previously, the sheer volume of football fans bottle-necking the suburbs neighboring the Mandela Stadium on match days felt like the wildebeest migration in the Serengeti. That’s not to mention the gridlocks which would’ve made driving in Manila seem like a relaxing countryside cruise.

Unlike before, where you dealt directly with a sunbaked traffic officer who hadn’t had a sensible meal the entire day, you’ll no longer be able to haggle or negotiate your way out of a speeding ticket with the promise of lunch for him. You’ll henceforth be dealing with the Intelligent Transport Monitoring System (ITMS) and its multitude of hawk-eyed cameras.

In Uganda, there are two time zones: East African Time (EAT) and African Standard Time (AST). AST is EAT plus anywhere from thirty minutes to three hours or more, but generally varies depending on the character you’re dealing with. If a Ugandan says they’ll meet you at 9:00am, please clarify as to whether they mean EAT or AST. Still, remember to carry a novel and a snack cos the meeting time is more of a suggestion than a commitment. Kash Patel needs to investigate why we have multiple time zones!

After a decade-long illustrious career, Joshua Cheptegei hangs up his boots gloriously at the tender age of 27. That might be more inspiring than the entire contingent of 500-plus leeches—commonly known as MPs—and a half-century-old shipwreck government of seniles that seem to be allergic to retirement.

The world’s most loved and most hated man, former President Donald Trump, came within an eyelash of getting translated into the next dimension when an assassin’s bullet kissed his ear and almost blew his mind—quite literally! If there’s a creature that actually knows the sound of death, it’s Donald Trump!

Dubai spent what’s equivalent to the GDP of a small country on building the artificial Palm Islands in the sea, but when it came to dealing with water on land, it’s like they totally forgot to budget for umbrellas, boats and submarines.

At its most basic level, love is an intense feeling of affection. On the other end of the spectrum, it’s that overwhelming feeling of rejection that’s sure to leave your sanity hanging by a thread. If, like myself, you’re watching from the sidelines, Valentine’s day is the vehicle that will take you on a grand tour across both ranges.

“There’s no way by any stretch of the imagination that this child could be mine!” he’s thinking. Joseph is terribly disappointed. Up until this point, he had all the confidence in the world that no other man but he had bagged 100% rights to bringing Mary’s virginity story to a climactic conclusion. Suddenly, all that is no more!

In this game, you emerge winner only and only if at the end of the day your vehicle’s suspension didn’t get wrecked. Or, if you didn’t meet and greet an on-coming car, head-on. Or, if you were lucky enough not to miscalculate and plunge into a roadside trench along with the Boda-Boda rider you ploughed into. Or all of the above!

That said, as a rule of thumb, whenever insects are dragged into any discourse in Uganda, it’s important to realize that money has either changed hands or is about to! Explains why when the story about some lad selling grasshoppers on an airplane emerged, my suspicions quickly heightened. In this nature of situation, the insects are usually scapegoats! Never mind the irony!

Finally, your sniffy nostrils drag you to the pastries and freshly-prepared foods area. In a short while, you’ll discover that this section is nothing more than a trap! You’re not hungry, but I can assure you, by the time you step out of Shoprite, you’ll be carrying two bags filled with all sorts of ready-to-eat food!