I’m a writer, storyteller, and the Author/Editor of Tales By Em. You're about to be impacted with great thoughts and vibes through my writing on culture, travel, mysteries; as well as my personal opinions that are occasionally infused in satire. The perspectives that you'll come across here are my insights into what life is like in Uganda and beyond!
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First and foremost, the Kenyans have inhabited the ocean-front for a while now—like since the beginning of time. I say we switch places until the end of time! Worst case scenario, we should have some sort of timeshare agreement where the Indian Ocean belongs to the Kenyans from Monday at noon to Thursday. Then Uganda takes over from Friday to Monday.
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Remember in the movies when the full moon turned humans into blood-thirsty, hairy, howling beasts? Well, with two moons, full moon phases could double up or even overlap, and we would have hordes of werewolves roaming the suburbs all-year round.
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“You heal the country when you allow disagreement and you allow a microphone with people that have different views.” ‘Different views’ is such a modest and conservative way to describe people that are always spewing hate and getting totally worked up when expressing their opinions. But, yah, that’s one rare charismatic trait that starkly distinguished Charlie from his harshest critics. Not even the devil can answer that!
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The silver lining on the Uganda Cranes’ dark cloud of defeat is that since our exit, peak-hour traffic jam has eased quicker than the pain of a stubbed toe. Previously, the sheer volume of football fans bottle-necking the suburbs neighboring the Mandela Stadium on match days felt like the wildebeest migration in the Serengeti. That’s not to mention the gridlocks which would’ve made driving in Manila seem like a relaxing countryside cruise.
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Set in the 1800’s, the film follows Lucas, a little boy who accidentally kills a man and soon faces the grave consequences of his actions. He’s been sentenced to dangle from the hangman’s noose. His grandpa, an outlaw, himself, and on the run, learns about this and swings into action to try and save his grandson from the harsh sentence.
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The Razor Wire Vault combines pole vaulting with a touch of survival instinct. Athletes are required to successfully clear 8-foot-tall razor wire obstacles using a wooden pole, while evading a rifle-wielding antagonist. Whereas the Teargas Dash is particular on physical requirements for enrollment, Razor Wire Vault cuts across. Yeah, you bet that damn razor wire will cut right across your flesh!
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Unlike before, where you dealt directly with a sunbaked traffic officer who hadn’t had a sensible meal the entire day, you’ll no longer be able to haggle or negotiate your way out of a speeding ticket with the promise of lunch for him. You’ll henceforth be dealing with the Intelligent Transport Monitoring System (ITMS) and its multitude of hawk-eyed cameras.
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In Uganda, there are two time zones: East African Time (EAT) and African Standard Time (AST). AST is EAT plus anywhere from thirty minutes to three hours or more, but generally varies depending on the character you’re dealing with. If a Ugandan says they’ll meet you at 9:00am, please clarify as to whether they mean EAT or AST. Still, remember to carry a novel and a snack cos the meeting time is more of a suggestion than a commitment. Kash Patel needs to investigate why we have multiple time zones!
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The world’s richest man and visionary entrepreneur behind SpaceX has long championed the idea of making humanity a multi-planetary species. His ambitious plans for a manned mission to Mars are well on the verge of realization, marking a pivotal moment in space exploration. Elon’s goal is not just to send humans to the red planet but to establish a self-sustaining colony, ensuring the long-term survival of our species, just in case you crazy humans get excited and decide to nuke the Earth.
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As the curtains close on a triumphant or chaotic 2024—depending on your vantage point—raise your glasses to a year that proved that if you think you’ve seen it all, the world will gladly prove you wrong. Here’s to a glorious 2025 filled with the unexpected! Happy New Year!
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Trump’s rallies were a blend of superior policies and the sheer spectacle of this badass 78-year old billionaire who, honestly, should be somewhere on vacation chilling with his grand kids and enjoying what’s left of his few decades on earth, but, instead, he’d rather be preoccupied with dodging bullets! It was all like watching a sequel where the villain returns with a smaller budget and somehow ends up more popular.
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The authorities, in a moment of sheer disbelief, and perhaps afraid that the monkey pox scourge would have a field day, had to close the store due to overcrowding. But that’s the sugarcoated mainstream version of the story. The backstory is that the irate local traders and manufacturers whipped up some high-end African voodoo—proudly sponsored by the top-notch services of a Nigerian witchcraft merchant—in a bid to destabilize their Chinese competitor. And from the looks of it, the African ancestors are working overtime.
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After a decade-long illustrious career, Joshua Cheptegei hangs up his boots gloriously at the tender age of 27. That might be more inspiring than the entire contingent of 500-plus leeches—commonly known as MPs—and a half-century-old shipwreck government of seniles that seem to be allergic to retirement.
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The world’s most loved and most hated man, former President Donald Trump, came within an eyelash of getting translated into the next dimension when an assassin’s bullet kissed his ear and almost blew his mind—quite literally! If there’s a creature that actually knows the sound of death, it’s Donald Trump!
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As diplomatic tensions rise between the two nations, we’re left wondering whether the UK will eventually invite the Ugandan government to talk through the matter at a good-old English tea party, complete with delightfully baked cream and jam scones; or maybe—just maybe—Uganda will invite the UK government to a rolex fest at State House, Entebbe, where they’ll have a polite conversation and tactfully resolve their differences!
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Critics point out that attributing the floods to divine involvement is not only unscientific, but also dangerous. They assert that the disaster is a result of climate change and poor infrastructure planning, and that the government should focus on implementing effective disaster management strategies and improving infrastructure, rather than engaging in debates about divine judgement.
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Dubai spent what’s equivalent to the GDP of a small country on building the artificial Palm Islands in the sea, but when it came to dealing with water on land, it’s like they totally forgot to budget for umbrellas, boats and submarines.
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When actors play serial killers, pedophiles, or portray indecency and sexual perversion, chances are high that it’s much more than just entertainment you’re dealing with. It’s often that they’re subtly indulging you in a paradigm of what, in their view, an ideal society should be like.
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At its most basic level, love is an intense feeling of affection. On the other end of the spectrum, it’s that overwhelming feeling of rejection that’s sure to leave your sanity hanging by a thread. If, like myself, you’re watching from the sidelines, Valentine’s day is the vehicle that will take you on a grand tour across both ranges.
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On our way there, we make a number of pits stops to catch our breaths, appreciate the scenic surroundings and, like you guessed, take a few pictures for remembrance. It’s on one of these brief stops, halfway the journey, that we ran into a bunch of tourists. They’re heading back out of the game park. They’re quite friendly and seem eager to join us in our photo moment. After a few photos, we exchange pleasantries and inform them we’re from Uganda and, they—all three of them—say they’re from Israel.
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My major problem with the visitors came during meal time. You know that point when the guest wants an additional serving of chicken, but there’s none left in the dish, yet there’s a piece on your plate? You, my friend, had to involuntarily sacrifice that juicy chicken wing!
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I’m not sure if in those days we were just misers, lazy, or maybe fancy decor ornaments simply didn’t exist yet, but our creative minds thought it smart to always use toilet paper in the place of ribbons! And, yep, there was a well-furnished supply of colorful rolls! So, you had linings of white, pink, green and blue toilet paper hanging from the ceiling all over the living room. For using toilet paper, I honestly wouldn’t blame you for thinking that was some shitty decor! But, hey, we didn’t seem to have issues with it, and neither did our guests. To all that, add a ton of twinkly lights, latex balloons and, mehn!—the strong scent that emerged from the house was nothing short of pure Christmas!
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Don’t get me started on the pre-roasted ones! Those insects are up there shamelessly competing with the price of fuel, you’d think they’ve got some sort of aspiration of becoming a commodity on the stock exchange. So, now we even have to choose between driving and eating grasshoppers!
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While attending class one day, he receives a phone call from Godfrey who asked him if he could make it to the Firebase studios later that night to record a tune for an ad that required a saxophone line. “When I got there, it wasn’t an ad. It was a song!” Joseph recounts. The song was called For better, For worse by Bobi Wine. Star struck, this was the day he met Bobi Wine for the first time.
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Ironically, the easiest thing to be in the world is you. The most difficult thing is to be what others want you to be. The resistance of the status quo for a Divine cause invariably constitutes you a Remnant.
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The last time Kenya’s Harambee Stars appeared in the AFCON after so many years was in 2019. Except their stars didn’t shine bright enough for them to see beyond the group stages. Same for Tanzania–2019! On the other hand, Uganda’s national soccer team, The Cranes, don’t even know what the rest of you are talking about. Their last flight to those heights was way back in 1978!
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So far as I can tell, the sequence of events is that after your haircut, the barber dispatches you to a different station where you’re received by a lady who’ll be giving you the complimentary facial treatment. She’ll also be serving you a thorough massage to the head, neck, shoulders, plus your—uhm—see, right there is where this stuff gets a bit sticky!
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The low-budget edition comes with an iconic smokey, rusty taste that is derived from the often sooty pan on which it’s prepared. The smoke rising from the charcoal stove delicately sips into the omelette and is a fundamentally vital ingredient that can’t be taken for granted, cos you’ll never find that distinctive flavor in the neatly-made rolexes.
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Cannibalism in itself has existed since ancient times, but has predominantly been practiced as a spiritual ritual or in the desperate times of famine rather than as a socially acceptable lifestyle. So, technically, human meat has been lurking in the shadows until now when the idea of normalizing its consumption is subtly crawling to the forefront.
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Postcolonial Africa has largely been the playground for the western world in the aspect of scrambling for, partitioning and exploitation of the continent’s vast natural resources at the expense of its citizens. With the emphatic arrival of the West’s nemeses, Russia and China, at the poker table, the landscape may have been altered for the better.
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My disposition towards the ladies effectively landed me in hot soup with some fellas for reasons best known to them. Possibly for jeopardizing their prospects! In those days, most students seemed far more familiar with the nuances of romantic relationships than my naive mind was. However, I now totally understand why I became the subject of numerous episodes of bullying in school.
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“There’s no way by any stretch of the imagination that this child could be mine!” he’s thinking. Joseph is terribly disappointed. Up until this point, he had all the confidence in the world that no other man but he had bagged 100% rights to bringing Mary’s virginity story to a climactic conclusion. Suddenly, all that is no more!
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I have great confidence that, henceforth, there will be more billionaires joining Elon Musk in exploring the vastness of outer space than there will be that dare to even board their own super yachts, lest the ghosts of the Titanic invite them to dinner without warning!
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Finally, after many have left, this place gradually returns to its usual serene self; perhaps accommodating the occasional stranded pilgrims who conveniently don’t seem to remember the way that led them to the site. Or they simply gave up their return fare the previous night in exchange for some pieces of juicy chicken thigh at Rasta’s grill.
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Listening to all this, I’m seated there absolutely startled and terrified at this surreal story; wondering to myself who exactly this person is that mom is telling me about, cos that’s definitely not me! For over 30 years, she had kept a secret of this magnitude to herself!
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Henceforth, the Ministers will naturally be inclined to splash cash at their bodyguards without stopping to count; and will regularly tell their protectors how they’ll always love them. Also, like their masters’ little brats, the bodyguards’ kids can now finally relish a sausage fest at every breakfast and enjoy freshly-baked bread with Nutella spread on one side and orange marmalade on the other.
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As you progress above 100kph, the steering wheel starts to feel weightless. You then get this sense that anytime now, you’re approaching that point where a slight distraction could cause you to get airborne. Even so, still you’ll find an extremely brave motorist flying past you at 130kph, and they’re driving a one-ton Toyota-IST.
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The irony of the contrasting campaigns coming on the brink of running concurrently ensured an inconvenient but perhaps inadvertent clash of the two worlds. Talk about a spitting image of the Beauty and the Beast: the beauty of the West and the beastly roads that take you there!
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Typically, that’s the life-cycle of a corruption saga in this republic: money changes hands, a whistleblower sounds the alarm, the band of thieves pick a sacrificial lamb, and somehow the masterminds get to squirrel out of trouble, and that’s the end of that. Right there is how the crooked prongs of our justice system work. When the next scandal happens, press repeat!
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In the days following SVB’s collapse, it goes without saying that the industry experts came out to split hairs and tell the world what went wrong, and what could’ve been done better. The irony is that just a month ago, these same pundits didn’t seem to have the set of eyes to look out for any imminent danger, and possibly sound the alarm. Ultimately, the experts’ best efforts to examine the matter have only been good enough for a postmortem.
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As soon as you swing the door open and hop out of the enclosure of the car, the first thing that hits you is a heavy aromatic wave of roast wafting through the air. In no time, your brain dispatches a memo to the oral juices alerting them to prepare for deployment at the frontline. The regiment down in your belly is on standby too–ready for battle!
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The composers that originated from the past generation had a quality of music whose lyrical content was such a treasure trove of information and wisdom to guide, uplift and edify. To that, they often added sensational instrumentation textures and a delivery that appeared effortless yet, in overall summation, carried a blanketing atmosphere rich enough to engulf the listener; taking them to a place of contemplative meditation and euphoric ecstasy.
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In this game, you emerge winner only and only if at the end of the day your vehicle’s suspension didn’t get wrecked. Or, if you didn’t meet and greet an on-coming car, head-on. Or, if you were lucky enough not to miscalculate and plunge into a roadside trench along with the Boda-Boda rider you ploughed into. Or all of the above!
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In all, the real catch is bringing the nation to a place where there’s an appreciation of the truth that God’s wisdom is supreme and yet readily available to be inquired upon. Also, for our decision makers to understand that only the hand of God can direct and guide if our aspiration is to truly have prosperity invade this land.
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Samalie then issues the first instruction. “You have to take off the towel!” She says. Trouble is that with the towel off, I’m totally bare. My personal belongings will be on full display thenceforth. But let’s see how far this goes. Tell you what: if playing with fire was a person, that would definitely be me! So, I get onto my feet and I’m set to drop the towel.
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That said, as a rule of thumb, whenever insects are dragged into any discourse in Uganda, it’s important to realize that money has either changed hands or is about to! Explains why when the story about some lad selling grasshoppers on an airplane emerged, my suspicions quickly heightened. In this nature of situation, the insects are usually scapegoats! Never mind the irony!
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Finally, your sniffy nostrils drag you to the pastries and freshly-prepared foods area. In a short while, you’ll discover that this section is nothing more than a trap! You’re not hungry, but I can assure you, by the time you step out of Shoprite, you’ll be carrying two bags filled with all sorts of ready-to-eat food!
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On a day such as this, much more than deliver rosy speeches, the perfect tribute to the late Janani Luwum would be to thoughtfully reflect on and put into action the ideas he greatly espoused. Doing that represents the continuation of the legacy of a man whose life was sacrificed on the altar of peace, unity, truth and justice.
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Whereas the instrumentation and rhythm in the opening seconds are somewhat reminiscent of a favorite pop classic of Sade’s from the 1980’s; a wonderful blend of the tenor and alto in the fourth minute of Greater Love results in an explosion of pleasurable listening experience to climax this enchanting piece of music. And just like that, 4 minutes came and went!
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Suddenly, a heavy pounding of drums is quickly followed by a moment of quiet. But that only plunges you further into a daze of suspense. Thankfully, Rebecca comes to your rescue. She musically describes the scene and helps you appreciate the place you’ve been led to.
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Problem is, nearly everyone that passes you looks like the girl in gold and blue. Seems like a wonderful problem to have, but being new to the culture, you’re quite cautious whom and how you ask for directions—what if she screams and people think you’re harassing the girl! The last thing you want (at least not yet!) is to behold the Heavens opened and the Son of man standing at the right hand of God!
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Argue all you want to, but it’s general knowledge that every woman has got a minimum of two birthdays. Yet it’s only on one of those birthdays that you’re permitted to compute a plus-one to their age; and—wait for it!—you’ll still not know how old she is! Tell you what: it’s probably easier to discover the whereabouts of Cleopatra’s tomb than it is to establish a woman’s actual age!
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